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Art of relationships - coursera

Writer's picture: Jacelyn ChuJacelyn Chu

1. Significance of needs


Human beings get involved in relationships in order to address or satisfy some of these needs. The maintenance of a successful relationship often depends on the ability to identify your own needs.


4 different categories of needs:

Physical: Can be survival, material, and physical resources (i.e. food, shelter, comfort, etc.) Psychological: Interpersonal needs (i.e. Security, attachment, affiliation, intimacy, etc.) Social: (i.e. Connections with others, status, identity, etc.) Existential/Spiritual: Personal/being needs; Needs that pertain to the whole person or being (i.e. Happiness, spiritual meaning, etc.)


2. N3C analysis of relationships


C1: Circumstances Three levels of circumstances:

  • - Macro Level: The “big picture” such as historical demography, global warming, global financial crisis, etc.

  • - Mezzo Level: Local or regional realities such as political system, taxation, healthcare, education system, sociocultural realities (i.e. social circles, reference groups, culture), etc.

  • - Micro Level: Personal circumstances such as employment status, relationship status, health condition, life stage, etc.

C2: Characteristics Three types of characteristics:

  • - Physical: Such as height, body type, physical features, age, skin or eye colour, voice

  • - Psychological: Such as personality, world view, values preferences, emotional and behavioural patterns

  • - Sociocultural: Such as lifestyle, cultural practices, religion

C3: Capacity Capacity is actually a subcategory of Characteristics, wherein we emphasize the positive traits and strengths that people possess. Hence, Capacity has the same domains as Characteristics:

  • - Physical: Such as physical strength, energy level, immune system

  • - Psychological: Such as intelligence, knowledge, wit, self-efficacy, emotional capacity (resilience, social or interpersonal skills)

  • - Sociocultural: Such as social capital, symbolic capital, financial capacity


3. Relationship Transformation


(1) Environment:

  • Physical location, area, or setting (e.g. house, city)

  • Social scripts help to govern our environment based on our relationship status.

  • E.g. after breaking up, you no longer need to go to your ex-partner’s parents’ home for the holidays and you may choose to move out of your shared apartment.

(2) Cognition:

  • Our thoughts and beliefs can also influence a relationship transformation E.g. “she wasn’t right for me”; “I can’t live without him”

(3) Motivation, Needs and (4) Emotion:

  • “Will this transition or change better meet my needs?”

  • E.g. of needs: security, identity, sense of worth § Strongly connected to emotions

(5) Body and (6) Behaviour: o Our bodies will physically reflect the transformation that has taken place through our voluntary and involuntary behaviours and feelings


Separation-Individuation in the Context of Intimate Relationships - Our challenges with separation-individuation are at least partially influenced by prominent social scripts which dictate that couples have a high degree of reliance on one another (i.e. that one person should help you meet as many needs as possible)

- One feels that most of their needs are being primarily or exclusively met within the context of the one relationship. Those who have other sources of need gratification are less likely to experience challenges around relationship transformation or separation individuation - How can we help those experiencing challenges with separation individuation?

Empower the person. Perhaps by working to develop a larger set of skills, feelings of self-efficacy, or find other ways that some of his needs can be met outside of the relationship


4. communication


Reception: How we receive and understand messages from the other party

  1. what facts does the person choose to highlight? These most likely reflect what is most important to the speaker.

  2. Attitudes: consider position + opinion + characterisation

  3. One’s emotional state can construct her/his interpretation of the situation or subject matter.

  4. Attribution: When people experience or see something, they make attributions to try to explain the cause of what the experience might be, whether it is factually true or not.

Expression: How we express messages to the other party

  • In expressing your idea to someone, think: “how can I make this idea more palatable to the other individual?” Identify what aspects of your idea the other party might meet with resistance and work on how you wish to present your view in a way that will better acknowledge or meet the other party’s needs.

  • facts + ideas

5. Invisible Scripts

Natural Imagination: We tend to view the idea of spontaneity within a relationship as something that is positive and “natural”. This logic therefore implies that aspects of relationships that are planned are therefore negative or “unnatural”.

  • However, what we consider “natural” is also socially constructed. Just as an eagle builds her nest to lay her eggs, is it not natural for humans to build, create, and strategize too?

  • In fact, planning is part of human nature. Preparation can be understood as a symbol of how much we care or want the relationship to function positively. Planning doesn’t eliminate the opportunity for spontaneity!

“The One” Myth: The assumption that there is only one person out there for each of us to be romantically involved with and spend the rest of our lives together.

  • Convenient for those who subscribe to monogamous relationships, but most likely not the case

  • You may be in love with multiple people at the same time, or at different points of time

  • Furthermore, you may have certain needs met by one person, yet you require a different partner to satisfy another set of needs

  • As we grow and develop, our N3Cs will change, and you and your partner may no longer feel as compatible as you once did

Serendipity: The belief that everything happens for a reason. Often referred to as “destiny”.

  • This viewpoint can potentially result in one taking on a less proactive stance in her/his life or relationship, choosing to leave things to chance

  • It is important to acknowledge our own self-determination. Each of us must accept a certain degree of responsibility for our actions and the consequences that these actions led to

The Mind-Reading Fantasy: An unrealistic expectation that your partner ought to know what you’re thinking or what you want without you having to express this to them

  • Those who believe in the Mind-Reading Fantasy to take a less proactive role in their relationship, missing out on differences they could otherwise make

  • This can be an unfair assumption that may lead to miscommunication or resentment


6. 6 domains of love

1. Cognition o Knowing and understanding a person 2. Emotion o Particular emotional investment toward someone 3. Motivation o What needs drive this love? (security, intimacy, sharing, affiliation, validation, etc.) 4. Body o How our bodies receive and express affection (e.g. a baby being soothed by mother holding and comforting him; partners engaging in sexual intercourse) 5. Environment o Physical environment (e.g. level of food/resources can impact how we negotiate a loving relationship) o Cultural, social, and/or the political reality impacts how we experience love 6. Behaviour o How we actually show our love and affection to others


7. 6 domains of human life


The main domains that influence our decision-making are:

  1. Environment – physical, where you are at a given time

  2. Body – physical, characteristics and features of ourselves and others

  3. Motivation – needs, wants, drive, goals, incentives for what we are doing

  4. Cognition – thoughts, ideas, planning, worldview, belief system, values

  5. Emotion – feelings and emotional patterns, reactions, regulation abilities

  6. Behaviour – how we actually say something, what we do, or how we react in a given interaction


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