4 laws of behaviour
Law 1: Everyone is suffering and insecure
People are fragile creatures.
Law 2: Everyone is wearing a mask
Our innate need to be accepted and fit in is deeply programmed into our brains.
Law 3: everyone pretends not to wear a mask
The mask is meant to stay private, and we’d like our mask to look as close to our face as possible.
Law 4: everyone is a product of childhood suffering and reward
When we are 12, 90% of our behaviours towards others are solidified
4 ways of seeing people
(identifies how someone sees the world)
1. People are broken
The person is actively participating in the resistance against another person.
2. People are different
Even though these people may take it personally, they are more likely to decide against taking action to rectify the situation and ‘correct’ the other person’s behavior.
3. People are facts
These people view humans as facts: unchangeable and permanent. They don’t look at people in a negative way at all.
4. People are reasons
Judgment disappears at this point. When we see through the lens of ‘reasons,’ everyone is human, and everyone is equally screwed up, just in different ways.
Unconscious Observable Behaviours
The eyes
Blink rate
When we are calm, focused, interested, or relaxed, our blink rate can decrease to as little as three times per minute.
In conversations and situations that are stressful, our blink rate can be upwards of seventy times in a minute
Depending on the context, you’ll be able to identify a stress-point
Then your immediate goal is to identify what caused the change and act on it
Shutter speed
how fast we blink
Shutter speed is a measurement of fear
Gestural Hemispheric tendency
All of us move our eyes to send our mental ‘file clerk’ into the brain to retrieve information.
You’ve immediately identified that he is what is called ‘right-positive’ by nothing more than elimination. If the left side is for accessing negative information, the right side will be what he uses for positive information.
Eye home
Eye home is where we typically look to access memories and recall information.
e.g. 3 o-clock, 9 o-clock
Strong emotional memories make our eyes move downward.
pupil dilation
When we see or hear something that we really like, our pupils will dilate.
Things we dislike will cause our pupils to constrict.
Confirmation glances
This typically occurs just before or just after they speak.
This glance lets you know that they are confirming their opinion with the other party or that they are nonverbally checking for approval of the other party.”
eyebrow flash
Evolutionary premise: If we wanted to show another primate that we were non-threatening, friendly, and open, we would make a movement with our face above the tall grass to prevent conflict.
meant to express friendliness and openness
The Face
Lip compression
it means ‘withheld opinion’
Object insertion
something is being put into the mouth
Indicative of a need for reassurance
True vs false facial expressions
The stop vs fade of expressions
The neocortex is so inexperienced at the art of facial expressions that it will stop the expression after it makes it. True facial expressions are chemically based. The chemicals wear off in our bodies, and the expressions that are genuine will fade off the face, not just stop suddenly
Asymmetry of false expressions
False expressions are likely to have more muscular tension in the face on one side than the other. Unless it’s contempt
Artificial smile: no crow’s feet in outer corner of eye
Nostril flaring
Nostril flaring occurs mostly as a response to an increase of adrenaline in the body. As the adrenaline levels increase, the brain needs more oxygen”
nostril flaring can indicate attraction/excitement/happiness/anger
Hushing
When listening, hushing can indicate a person wants to stay quiet out of respect
when a topic creates internal stress
The body
crossed arms
does not say much unless we know the person's baseline
Fig leaf (men)
Vulnerability, insecurity, the feeling of being threatened
Single arm wrap
Internal feelings on public display
Digital extension
small movement of the fingers away from the palm. The fingers are moving from a curled position (not a fist) to a less-curled position
Reveals comfort, agreement, relaxation, focus
Digital flexion
the fingers curl inward toward the palm.
Illustrate disagreement, doubt, anger, stress, and even fear.
Fidgeting
occurs when we have increased adrenaline or when our brain is under-stimulated (bored) and is making an attempt to keep our mind active
Feet honesty
Our feet broadcast focus and intent.
If you approach a group of people who are talking, you’ll notice the feet pointing toward the person in the group who has the most attention of the group. This will typically be either the leader of that group or someone who is most socially connected to them all.
Arms behind back
Behavior expert Mark Bowden has coined the term ‘truth plane’ to describe this area.
People who speak with exposed palms just above waist-level and expose their abdomens are more likely to be trusted by others.
When someone places their hands behind their back, they don’t feel “threatened/want to illustrate confidence. They are showing us that they have no need to protect the abdomen whatsoever.
If the person has their arms behind their back and one hand is clasping the arm behind the back, this is indicative of self-restraint
Handedness
When a person experiences strong disagreement with you, their dominant shoulder will move backward just like the foot does before a fight occurs.
Most of the time, it will be a very subtle movement, but this behavior is a reliable indicator that the person is experiencing a strong negative reaction to something in the conversation.”
Shift in breathing location
breathing location is important only when e see a change.
If their chest isn’t rising and falling, you can assume they are breathing into their abdomen. Chest breathing can indicate someone is in disagreement/tensed up
Shoulder shrug
In general, people who are experiencing fear of any kind will raise their shoulders. People with anxiety will carry their shoulders high most of the time until they fully relax.
When we shrug our shoulders, it can indicate either submission, an apology, or a lack of information.
When both shoulders go up, our body communicates that we are sorry.
Our shoulders also come up when we are fearful.
With our fear of large cats still in us from long ago, our shoulders raise to protect the neck. All fear behaviors will protect arteries and blood vessels in some way. This behavior also serves to make us smaller and can reveal someone’s fear of situations or people.
This expression is also a way to show deference to authority figures. Subordinates may approach a boss with shoulders raised, or a child who wants something from their parents may do this to show deference as well
When you see shoulders dropping or relaxing, this is a wonderful sign that you’ve made someone comfortable and accepting.
Single-sided shrug
someone has little faith in the statement they are making.
they don’t fully believe in the accuracy of their statement.
Barrier behaviour
We place objects between ourselves and others when we feel a need to distance, conceal, or protect ourselves from the conversation or the person.
e.g. someone buttoning their jacket suddenly / A woman pulling a shirt closed as she speaks to someone / placing a phone between you and the other person
removal of barriers, even our own arms, can show transparency and honesty, allowing the other person’s subconscious to process the information we give them with openness and more trust.
Hand to Chest
emotionally sincerity
This behavior can indicate someone feels strongly about an issue or topic,
Hygienic behaviour
E.g.
. Lip-licking
• Adjusting hair
• Picking lint from clothing
• Adjusting to a more upright posture
• Smoothing wrinkles on clothing
• Adjusting clothing (such as a jacket or tie)
Interrogation: improve physical appearance and assist you in believing the story they are telling.
sales: this can reveal the moments someone is becoming excited about the potential uses of the product
normal conversations, however, this behavior can indicate arousal, attraction, and interest.
Elicitation
The art of obtaining information without asking many questions. The main reason it’s effective is that it allows the person to recall actively offering the information instead of being questioned or interrogated.
human factors that make elicitation possible
the need to be recognised
diffidence, tendency to downplay compliments
correcting the record
desire to be heard
desire to offer advice
to rectify disagreement
Elicitation works in three ways:
The elicitation techniques are subtle and sound conversational and social
The information doesn’t feel forced out of them—statements are used instead of questions, making it feel more natural
The information flow has a compound effect—as it begins to feel more comfortable, the person becomes more likely to continue to reveal more information
elicitation techniques
provocative statements
informational altruism leading to compulsion to tell a similar story
flattery to reveal a deeper level of information with each compliment
eliciting complaints to create connection
citation method allows someone to fulfill the desire to correct the record
Naivete: tapping on the urge to educate
criticism: make someone feel the need to justify or clarify something
bracketing: Instead of saying a single number to trigger the need to correct the record, sometimes a range of numbers will do.
expressing disbelief
The hourglass method (vital sensitive information)
Using the primacy and recency effects, this method ensures the sensitive information we need is couched within the middle of conversations. The memory of giving up information is then far more likely to be remembered with less detail.
verbal reflection (of understanding and connection through empathetic replies)
verbal mirror technique: When they finish a statement or question, repeat the final three words (most important).
theme repetition: repeat the general theme of what you’ve heard instead of specific words.
Locus of Control
refers to how much people believe they, as opposed to external forces, are in control of the outcome of someone’s life.
external LOC: These people tend to blame others rather than themselves for what happens in their lives + lower likelihood of depression
Interal LOC: They tend to view themselves as being in charge of their own fate. They are also more prone to stress and depression, but are more likely to enjoy success and achievement
Language Analysis
Sensory preference identification
People tend to use sensory words within the first three minutes and fifteen seconds of interactions with new people in social settings.
A visual person might say, “I just don’t see why. Something doesn’t look right to me.”
An auditory person might say, “I hear what you’re saying, but something didn’t sound right to me.”
A kinesthetic person might say, “I get that, but there’s just something that doesn’t feel right.”
We should be adapting our communication to better resonate with the person. Not only is it more persuasive, but it also helps them to learn.
Pronoun Identification
3 categories of pronouns:
1. Self
2. Team
3. Others
Identifying pronoun usage isn’t just a tool to identify which words you need to use when speaking to someone. This technique also gives you a window into how they view the world.
When you can identify how someone speaks in a surgical way, things change fast. Not only can you see when things are being concealed or hidden, but you can hear exactly how the brain you’re dealing with works and what that brain needs in order to be influenced.
Adjective Usage
We identify the context by simply determining whether the adjective was used to describe something the person liked or didn’t like. In your mind, just imagine the words going into a two-column list as you speak with someone.
How compliance works
Key Principle: people who follow physically in a conversation will follow mentally.
Glossary
Attribution Error is something that happens when we are told a single gesture has a singular meaning.
A good rule of thumb from body language expert Joe Navarro is that ‘all repetitive behavior is self-soothing.
compound effect
behavioural capital
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