I’d always thought that it sucked to be born first.
In theory, being the first can sound like a pretty good deal: I’m given a few younger siblings to boss around and can pull the seniority card as needed. While there are positives, the slew of negatives are also often shoved under the rug.
sibling rivalry: intense competition among siblings for the recognition and attention of their parents.
A hallmark of this phenomenon: When a baby is introduced to a family, the older sibling fears the baby will replace them.
I was a week from 6 years old when I experienced such trauma. I remember shooting daggers at my poor baby brother on the day he came home from SGH. The angel was tucked into mummy’s bosom at the front seat, with a sole duty to look cute. My sister and I sat in the back seats, watching our parents coddling him. It was the worst day of my life, back then. My parents didn’t even notice the scowl that occupied my face for a good three days. All that was on my mind was: “Will Mummy and Papa forget about my birthday?”
These childhood experiences have definitely impacted me profoundly, in ways that I’m still not fully cognisant of. However, there’s a fascinating side effect of all this: it provides a short-cut to human connection between first-borns. It’s like meeting fellow tribesmen: we bypass the small talk and immediately hit off by bonding over times when we were accused of being “bossy”, or scolded for being irresponsible, or expected to suddenly grow up…
For the sake of objectivity, I also thought of 3 ways in which being the eldest has made my life more meaningful.
1. Siblings are catalysts for growth
3 ways my younger siblings made me a better human:
Sharing the Spotlight
As nice as hoarding all of my parents’ love sounds, I learnt from a young age that it just isn’t how things work. I had to be okay with listening when conversations aren't all about me (90% of the time), or I’d have a miserable time on the dinner table.
The Art of Compromise
I'm always expected to put the needs/preferences of the younger ones before my own, even if it directly goes against my own. This isn’t always a bad thing, because I learnt to work with (rather than against) their needs, coming to a schedule that appeases all of us.
Love and support
I kid you not, I used to have a very real fear of my siblings surpassing me, as I thought it would translate to less affection, thus jeopardising my “place” in the family. I'd like to believe that this stems from a survival instinct involving vying for our parents’ finite attention, but it could also be about not wanting to bruise my ego.
Over time, I realised that siblings teach each other about love and being loved, how to encourage and be encouraged. I think I’m getting better at being genuinely happy for all that they’ve accomplished. Individual achievements are never truly individual; they rest on the pillars of a family.
2. The weight of Filial Piety
At a certain point in life, family disputes are no longer about ‘whose fault it is’, but about ‘how the parents would feel’.
兄道友，弟道恭。兄弟睦，孝在中。
- Excerpt from 弟子规
Brotherly love and filial piety are truly inseparable. Even if a child had a conventionally successful career, treating his siblings like enemies would only fill his parents with anxiety. Buying the parents nice clothes and good food is an act of filial piety, but the best version of filial piety is still brotherly love between siblings.
3. "I walked, so you can run."
I like to say that I’m the experimental child, which is arguably the greatest grievance of any first born. Needless to say, my role in the family is being the guinea pig. While raising me, my parents tried all sort of different parenting techniques, and most of them involved being tough on me. After testing all the bad ones out, they can save the good stuff for my siblings. It was a difficult pill to swallow.
So, whenever we reminisce the days when I was forcefully sent for GEP training at P3 (scam), or when I was unwillingly transferred out of my first primary school in P5 so my siblings could smoothly enter an elite school… just to make sure they know, I'd always remind them, "I walked, so you can run."
Conclusion
Despite all the added pressure and responsibility, being a big sister will be one of the greatest titles I can ever have. Sibling rivalry serves a developmental purpose: It helps us figure out what is unique and special about ourselves (differentiation), fostering a healthy sense of individualism.
Children will always want to be seen as the most special by their parents, so they’re always going to push for preferential treatment over their siblings. Therefore, the rivalry is here to stay. It will be a dark day the first time I lose any type of game to them. Every big event in my younger siblings’ lives will turn into an opportunity for me to reflect about my own mortality.
Well, at least I have the most baby pictures.
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