There was a time when I felt I didn't have enough friends.
At 11, when I transferred school, I was anxiously trying to navigate new environments, win the favour of the strangers, and awkwardly wedge myself into existing cliques. For my introverted self, these struggles -- albeit daunting and ennervating -- became a crucial period of personal growth and understanding.
Despite trying harder than I ever have, I remained lonely. It was not that I was surrounded by nasty people in my new school; I simply could not get the curiosity, emotional openness and connection that I sought in a friend. It's not that I can't find people to have dinner with; it's just that there are very few people whom I can truly connect with. This post is precisely for those who feel that they are in the same boat.
The art of making friends is a bigger issue for many of us as compared to romantic relationships, because the search for a good partner is very well-supported. There are guides, research papers and conversations surrounding how to find a good partner, while the search for a good friend is arguably a more silent one. We naturally assume that unless we've moved towns, unless we've migrated overseas, we should have friends! However, I think it is very possible to have reached middle age or later, and still be very lacking in friends.
Is there something inherently wrong with loners? Perhaps, this is not a personal deficiency. Instead, it a sign of how difficult it is, how arduous it is to find the connection we intensely long for. At the same time, it’s impossible for someone to understand everything about us, because we have many sides of ourselves. This explains why it is perfectly normal that some of our friends only understand certain sides of ourselves, while others understand our other sides.
We may need a friend who is very intellectually curious.
We may need a friend who is very kind and indulgent.
We may need friends who share our interests in baking, swimming, fishing, or politics.
Above all, it is imperative that we understand the ingredients of a solid friendship.
1) Knowing Thyself
Doubtless, a good friend does many things for us. One of the things a really good friend does is to ask gentle but probing questions which act as our mirror. They help us to think and to know ourselves better than we can when we are alone with our mental chaos.
A really good friend will say something like:
" I know you, you don't really mean that, do you?"
I think:
Ah, they're right.
A really good friend will make thoughtful remarks like:
"You're always saying that, I wonder why last year..."
I think:
Huh, I really do have a place in this person's mind, and they are helping me to interpret myself.
That's a beautiful thing.
2) Provider of Reassurance
Our best of friends often reassure us of our fundamental decency. How? They stretch our conception of normality beyond what we hear and are made to understand, beyond the ordinary hubbub of society. In doing so, good friends spare us of our intermittent feelings of shame.
When we say to them:
"I've done [ this strange thing } in the middle of the night ..."
or
"I had this odd feeling of ..."
They reply:
"You know what, I've been there too; not necessarily directly in that situation, but in that kind of zone, and I know what you mean."
Thus, good friends extend the boundaries of what we can think of as normal and bearable; an insight with which we can begin to judge ourselves and our compulsive sides more compassionately.
3) Withholding Judgement
Do you remember the last time you fully let down your guard around others?
Very good friends will give us a chance to be necessarily silly in front of them. Karaoke sessions with my childhood friends never fail to break the ice despite us being apart for several months. I've realised that being comfortable enough to dance and sing with our friends, free of filters, is a blessing in itself. Life can be very serious; sometimes we need to giggle, to laugh, and to momentarily release the playful sides of us from captivity.
In doing so, good friends bring out certain nuances of our character, certain aspects that we feel haven’t been explored. Reflective and open-minded conversations with our close friends can subvert certain societal notions that we are supposed to think of as "good" but don’t really agree with. They offer us a chance for complicity in a fun-loving way.
Conclusion
As highly complex social animals, we need different friends for different functions. Ideally, we’d have a small, but very tightly knit circle. These would become the tribe of people who would stand by our side and defend us through the trials of life. It’s one of the greatest privileges to have such friends, and I don’t think many people, if they are honest, can lay claim to the true friendships that they enjoy.
Our friends trust us, like us, comfort us, understand us, and strengthen us, even—and especially—when we can’t do any of those things for ourselves. Is is their faith in us that keeps us going, even when they aren’t physically available to comfort us. They continue to reside in the recesses of our brains, even when we haven’t been in touch for a while, or when they are far away.
Our friends are always with us.
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