"Every time a friend of mine succeeds, a small part of me dies". We involuntarily grin at Gore Vidal's famous quip, because it gives us a rare chance to own up to a feeling that we otherwise endure in lonely silence.
The feeling we get towards -
the sibling who received extra candy.
the classmate who got an offer from Harvard;
the colleague who was recently promoted;
the friend who married a husband that cooks;
the neighbour who grows an organic garden and drives a Lamborghini…
We live in an age of Envy, and no one is spared.
Envy: Pain, of a certain degree, that we can feel when others get something in their lives that we may not have. ~Aristotle
Why we Envy
Perhaps it‘s surprising that there's an awful lot to be envious about, in this social media age, where we mindlessly carry our Envy amplification device around in our pockets. However, beyond office gossips and filtered reels on social media, Envy plays a far more profound role in shaping our choices and actions than most of us would care to admit.
This is not just because Envy often masquerades as ambition, or because so many of us now conflate self-worth with unrealistic expectations. Rather, it is because Envy served an important evolutionary purpose by honing our incredible sociability that was — and is still — critical to the extraordinary success of our species. Envy, albeit labelled as a deadly sin by almost all religions, formed part of the cocktail of traits that ultimately assisted Homo Sapiens to form and maintain our strong tribes.
Therefore, it is part of the human psyche to be naturally compelled to compare ourselves with one another. We are continually measuring people’s status, the levels of respect and attention they receive and noticing any discrepancies between what we have and what they have.
How we Envy
The optimist in us —influenced by the promises of modern society and the media — fervently hopes that we are all basically equal. We are encouraged to believing that in crucial ways, everyone is on the same footing; not in terms of current possessions and status, but in terms of potential.
However, the tension formed between this spirit of equality and the profound inequalities that, in reality, exist in our modern society then invariably generates immense amounts of envy. Therefore, the deeds or possessions which arouse the love, honour, and admiration of others, are almost all subjected to Envy. Our Envy is further incited when we desire the thing ourselves, or think we are entitled to it, or if having it puts us a little above others and vice versa.
Who we Envy
Additionally, envy can be terribly picky about its targets. For instance, I’d probably never envy someone like the President, or Bill Gates, no matter how famous, rich and talented they are. That’s because they’re simply too strange, too unrelatable, and too out-of-my-league. If we are observant enough, we would realise that our envy usually tracks down those who are similar to us in background, age, or reputation. We are much more concerned about how our close friends are faring in life, rather than the net worth of the richest person alive. This is why agreeing to annual high school reunion parties is almost always a bad idea, because there is no stronger reference point than people one was at school with.
Impacts of Envy
For some of us, this need to compare serves as a spur to improve and strive for achievements through a sense of healthy competition. Nonetheless, I believe that envy can be one of the most pernicious of human characteristics when not handled appropriately.
The thing is, we don’t envy everyone; we do so only when we think their advantages are within our reach. So when almost everything feels like it could be ours (but in actuality a lot never can be), the opportunities for envy grow dangerously large. Envy can take seed in someone’s thoughts and morph into feelings of inferiority and frustration that lead to covert attacks and sabotage on oneself and others alike.
Combatting Envy
Unfortunately, Envy remains as a dirty word in our modern society. It’s one of those emotions we all experience yet never speak about as we’re taught to feel embarrassed about it.
1. Acknowledgement
We should not shy away from or be embarrassed by our envious feelings. It is human and perfectly natural. As Nietzsche points out, just accepting the hatred and envy we might feel for someone is a great deed in itself as it is the first step of being able to use it to our advantage. Envy is a big and unavoidable part of life. There is nothing wrong with envy. What matters is how we handle it.
2. Unplug
Social media is the ultimate feeding ground for the green eyed monster. It seems like everyone else is happy and successful, while we are struggling to keep up. If you feel envious of someone, go offline and take some time to just focus on yourself. Do things that will make you more content with your own life.
3. Practice gratitude
As the saying goes, envy is counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own. Counting our blessings isn’t the same as boosting our ego by reminding ourselves how we’re better than others. Gratitude, the opposite of envy, is about refocusing on what is really important in life, on the sometimes intangible things we do possess—and that are less dependent on incessant social comparisons, like a strong spirit, a diversity of life experiences, or just the simple fact of being alive.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, is the grass really greener on the other side? We’ve learnt that Envy is merely a result of our miscalculations. Envy emerges from our distorted perceptions towards people who seem to have great lives, but are often suffering in ways we can’t conceive of. It is still tempting to feel sorry for ourselves, to feel like our lives are always inferior to that of others, because it’s way easier to be negative than positive about things.
Instead of peeking through the gaps of the fence into our neighbours’ gardens, perhaps we should finally gather our strength and take some time to nurture the plants in our own backyards, for the grass is greener where it is watered.
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